Talking About the Tough Stuff

Eliminate Excuses and Initiate Conversations With Your Children

Every time I say anything about how babies are made, my 9-year-old daughter throws her hands over her ears and violently shakes her head, No. “Please don’t talk about it. Please don’t talk about it. Please, Mama. Dooooooon’t,” she begs and whines. She and I both know that the time is drawing near for us to have an earnest heart-to-heart about the subject and, based on her reaction, I suspect I’ll merely be filling in some gaps in the details.

Regardless, it will definitely be a difficult conversation for both of us, one that neither of us looks forward to. I’m no different from most parents, who would prefer to avoid talking about anything that might upset, shock or surprise their child. According to Sandra Sexson, M.D., professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at Georgia Health Sciences University, sex isn’t the only difficult topic parents face. They also find themselves mustering courage to discuss divorce, death, serious illness and illicit drugs, to name a few.

Parents As Resources

In a sense, telling children about the facts of life, the effects of drugs and alcohol, sexually transmitted diseases, debilitating or terminal illnesses, death and other uncomfortable, unhappy things seems to strip away some of the innocence of youth. Mothers and fathers, nonetheless, have a responsibility to act as resources for their children. “Everybody has trouble, even doctors, talking to kids about sex, death and dying,” says Dr. Sexson. “Parents shouldn’t feel they are the only ones.”

Young children, tweens and teens have questions about the world around them and Dr. Sexson confidently assures parents that their children will seek out answers from somewhere, and they’re usually indiscriminate about where those answers come from. “Their sources may not be as reputable as parents,” warns Dr. Sexson.

Begin building lines of communication very early in a child’s life, even while they are still toddlers, she urges. For example, use the names for genital parts. Discuss privacy. Share feelings about the death of a pet. “It helps prepare a child for later,” she explains. Plus it encourages children and adolescents to open up about what they’re thinking.

Furthermore, as much as parents may want to ignore uncomfortable subjects, sometimes situations force the issue. One morning in February of 2010, Shannon Unger, mother of 5­—Jaron, 21, Isabelle, 13; Tess, 11; Hallie, 9; Jack, 6—awoke to discover that her husband, Joe, had passed away during the night. She found herself in the unwelcomed, untimely position of dealing with death and helping her children cope, head-on. “The hardest part,” she says, “is that your heart is broken also, so when they bring it up, it chips away at your heart because you’re feeling pain too. It’s hard to maintain composure and still give them what they need.”

Parental emotions, confirms Dr. Sexon, are frequently barriers to open communication about tough topics. Mothers and fathers experience difficulty overcoming their overwhelming gut reaction to a particular matter. While it is never okay to put a child in the position of consoling the parent, it is entirely appropriate for the parent to acknowledge his uneasiness to the child. It’s okay for a mother or father to verbalize discomfort with talking about an issue.

Don’t Wait

Other obstructions to frank, honest dialogue include parents’ worry that they themselves don’t know enough about the subject, apprehension about the child’s response and whether the parents can handle it, anxiety over saying the right words and fear that bringing up topics like sex and drugs will increase the likelihood that children will engage in risky behaviors. Let go of irrational excuses. Children need answers not perfection.

Parents also like to delay discussions by telling themselves they’ll talk to their child about it when the child brings it up. But waiting on the child may be a mistake. “The thing parents sometimes do is they communicate non-verbally that it is not an acceptable topic to talk about,” says Dr. Sexon. A child interprets the parent’s signals as a message to stay away from that subject.

Unger confirms that her children take cues from her own behavior in regard to her husband’s death. Understandably, she tries to keep her emotions in check in front of them. “On the flip side,” she says, “I think it makes them feel like they can’t show (sadness).”

Initiating the Conversation

Processing the tough topics together doesn’t always require formal sit-downs with a planned monologue, however. “Look for teachable moments. Those are times when kids are interested,” says Dr. Sexson. Something on the radio or television could spark an exchange. The child’s account of an event at school might trigger some debate. Capitalize on routine time spent with the child, such as during bath time, when playing a game or just before bed. He or she is likely to be receptive to exploring new ideas when in a relaxed state. Talking while driving in the car has been a great way for Unger and her children to delve into the reality of Joe’s death.

In the case that an official conversation must take place, don’t make a big deal of it with a big dramatic build up. Do, however, allow plenty of time and make sure there are few distractions in the environment.

Dr. Sexson advises parents not to tell a child every morbid detail all in one blow. Respond to questions without overwhelming children with facts. Clarify what is being asked prior to answering. Find out, through questioning, what the child already knows, then correct misinformation and give age-appropriate explanations.

“Listen to what your kids are saying,” Dr. Sexson says. A parent who truly listens is far less likely to preach and far more likely to counsel.
Unger uses this strategy. “I always try to let them take the lead,” she says of talking to her children about their father’s death, “so I don’t force the issue on them or make them sad when they’re not.”

Most of all, remember that one conversation is never enough. Every developmental stage in a child’s life enables him to understand these tough topics a little better and to manage more detailed facts. And many times, when presented with difficult news, such as an impending divorce or the death of a loved one, the emotional impact prevents the child from absorbing all that is said. “It’s an ongoing thing,” says Dr. Sexson. “There needs to be several opportunities to ask questions.” Remain willing to discuss these topics again and again throughout the years.

A year since her husband’s passing, Unger is still helping her children understand death. While in the car one day, one of her daughters, still grappling with what it means for her father to not be with them anymore, compared his death to his being away on a business trip. Her daughter was wrestling with the permanence of Joe’s absence. Fortunately, the Unger family is comfortable with expressing thoughts and concerns. “It’s actually us on the business trip,” Unger answered. “Daddy is in heaven getting things ready for us. When our business is done here, then we’ll join him.”

I hope I can find words as elegant as Unger’s to explain to my own daughter the wonder of where babies come from. Even if I don’t, though, it’ll be okay. I’ll get lots of practice with phrasing as we engage over the next several years.
 

You don’t need the have the expertise of specialists who can help people with drinking problems when talking to your young children about the dangers of alcoholism. Just learn the basics of this disease, and you’ll be fine.

Lucy Adams is the author of Tuck Your Skirt in Your Panties and Run. She lives in Thomson, Ga., with her husband and their four children.